The Cosmic Sitch
by Storymaster Caith
Summary: The universe has this habit of bringing together the most unlikely people. How do I know? Well, just ask Ron and Monty. Monkey FistXRon, series of one shots, rating may change. Season Four disregarded.
1. Joking

**Kim Possible: The Cosmic Sitch **

**A series of one shots by Caith **

_**A/N: So we all know that Caith's crack pairing for Kim Possible is Ron Stoppable/ Monkey Fist. We also know that Caith sucks, with a capital S, at finishing multi-chapters. So, I offer up a compromise, in the form of my slowly-becoming-infamous multi-oneshots. The deal is this: I provide a basic plot and background wherein a relationship of some kind can blossom. Then I write tons of oneshots about that relationship from differing scenes and points of view. If you'd like an example, bebop on over to my Yu Yu Hakusho fic, "Rest In Pieces". **_

_**Anyhoo, since it worked so well over there, I thought I'd give it a shot over here. Obvious warnings: Slash. Yaoi. Shifty ratings. A complete disregard of season four, save a few items (that whole 'turning into stone' thing doesn't bode well for a serious relationship) lack of Kim/Ron. Maybe some KiGo. If you're very very good children. **_

_**IN THE CASE OF FLAMERS: I am writing homosexual situations between two consenting adults. Last time I checked this was legal. If you want to tell me I'm going to burn in hell, at least take the time to email me personally as opposed to blocking up my review page. Either that or seriously reconsider your own stance on your beliefs, since in order to flame me you would have had to…er..read the story. With the relationship in it. That you disapprove of. Yeah. **_

_**Right. Without further adieu, I present to you the first shot of The Cosmic Sitch. **_

**Part 1: Joking**

Montgomery Fiske was speechless.

This was not a normal occurrence. Hell, it could even be called abnormal. Montgomery, known to his friends as Monty, _always _got the last word. It had something to do with the way his brain was wired, with that 'damnable British wit' that people kept accusing him of using to unfair advantage. Whatever it was, Fiske was never at a loss for words. Even in the heat of battle, he always had something snarky to say.

Yet as he sat there, in his large red-leather upholstered Victorian chair, staring at the dismal glow of his computer screen, not a single thing came to mind. Not one syllable managed to penetrate the dark grey fog that had fallen around his senses.

He brushed simian fingers over the keyboard, slate grey eyes narrowed. His eyebrow cocked as though he had thought of a possible explanation for what he saw; then he shook his head, obviously disregarding whatever theory he had been grasping at. He leaned back, crossing one leg over the other, his foot- eerily similar in design to his hand- beating against the chair's arm in a quick, slightly impatient beat.

"Joking."

It was one word, spoken quickly, as though he was afraid he would lose it if he held onto it for too long.

"You must be joking." He informed his computer. "There isn't any way."

But there was. It was right there in black and white, staring back at him with all the smugness of- well- of Kim Possible as she walked off with a mystical item he needed. Or Shego when she made a well-placed monkey joke and he didn't have the time to retort. It was the kind of smug that made him want to go feral and start breaking things.

"It. Isn't. Possible." He explained to himself. "It's not. Not at all."

There had to be a logical explanation. After all, Tai Shing Pekwar was an old art. It was more legend than reality now, and the Yamanouchi school did its part to obscure the true beginnings of the martial arts form. There was a distinct possibility that what he was looking at was merely another legend, just another dead end, like the many others he had investigated over his years.

The issue being that it WAS true. Montgomery was certain that it was true, in that gut-deep way. What he was looking at was nothing less than genuine fact. If he went to Yamanouchi (assuming he didn't have to kill a bunch of students to get in the front door) the Sensei of the school would tell him that it was true. If he were to contact Possible's irritating little computer rat, he would tell him that it was true.

Montgomery was effectively searching for denial.

"It isn't true." He said, a little more desperately now. "That isn't it at all. At ALL." He stood- well, flipped over his chair using biologically engineered monkey hands- and began pacing back and forth. The strike of a match and the room filled with the scent of prince Albert tobacco; he exhaled deeply, the cloud of smoke obscuring his features as he clutched the thin pipe tightly.

"It's all some terrible joke." He said with a nod. "Obviously. A joke."

He slumped to the floor, automatically taking up a crossed-leg position. Meditation, that was the answer. Meditation…except that he couldn't seem to _focus, _couldn't seem to drag himself down into that calming blackness that usually soothed all his problems. He opened one eye, glared at the computer.

"It's a lie." He said, firmly. "I am not in love with Stoppable. I'm _not." _

He slapped a hand over his mouth, eyes going wide. He slowly allowed the hand to fall away, staring down at his monkey-fingers.

"I am not in love with Stoppable." He said aloud, cautiously. The words bounced back at him, callously, tiny shuriken from all sides. He could practically SEE his mother standing over him, shaking her head. "Stop telling me a lie, Montgomery Arlington," she'd say, rolling her eyes.

"I am NOT lying!" he exclaimed. "I'm not!"

_Yes you are. _

He winced at the internal rebuff, looked at the computer again. The page was still open.

"_In the case where the mystical powers divide, one to another, then there is some thread which binds the two, threads of affection or love; for the primate is a social creature, and dark and light each need the other to complete a mutual existence, and for this reason the power is also called the shroud of lovers. Never will the power choose just one, for the destruction of that one would be imminent; the power is meant to be shared, to be held and cherished, and history tells of the power of its bond over those whose love transcends all."_

"It's a joke." He said softly. "A terrible, terrible joke. I don't…"

He looked at the pipe in his hand, still smoking. He looked around the room, at his red leather chair and his books and his artifacts. He looked at the small photo album- press releases, each showing the same two faces- a fire-haired young girl, and her blonde, innocently suspect best friend.

"God help me." He whispered, putting his hands over his face. "I do."

_**A/N: Aww, poor Monty. You're so full of emo. Don't worry, Caith to the rescue!...of course, that requires dealing with Ron-The-Oblivious….but that's next chapter. **_


	2. Foreplay

**Part 2: Foreplay **

"Remind me again why I'm the one shopping with you?"

The voice that spoke came from behind a large pile of dresses. Each dress was a different shade of green. Some had sleeves, some didn't; some were sparkly and some were plain. Some were silk, some were velvet, and there was one somewhere in the middle made out of leather. The stack-of-dresses-with-legs was following a very familiar twenty-something woman around the floor of the Middleton Mall's Club Banana. It was fortunate for the walking stack that he knew his way around the store like the back of his hand, or he would be in a lot of trouble. It was difficult enough speaking through volumes of fabric.

"You're the one shopping with me, Stoppable," the woman said, pausing to observe yet another green garment, "because I have a date with Kim in less than twenty four hours, she made reservations at the ritziest place in this entire town, and I have NOTHING to wear."

"I beg to differ." The dress stack, now identified as one former sidekick Ron Stoppable, muttered under his breath.

"What was that?"

"Nothinngg," the college student singsonged. "Honestly, Shego, you couldn't have asked, like, Monique or something? I mean she knows Kim just as well as I do, and she's a girl, so-"

"No."

"No?" Ron asked.

"No one knows Kimmie as well as you do. NO ONE. Not even me. So no, we're not bringing ghetto-fabulous Monique shopping."

"To be fair, I don't think she uses the words 'ghetto fabulous'," Ron said, heaving the pile of dresses into Shego's hands. The woman rolled her eyes. "I don't really care what she uses, Ronnie, just so long as she stops telling me to wear something other than green."

"Well, you do wear a lotta green…"

"Stoppable…"

"Shutting up."

Shego entered the dressing room with her dresses, Ron standing casual guard outside. The few years after graduation had done a number on him. He had finally hit his growth spurt (better late than never) and stood at a steady six feet. His hair was slightly longer now, pulled back in a little ponytail, much to his mother's eternal irritance. Summer break meant light jeans and a tank top, showing off what little tan a severely Caucasian boy could get. A familiar mole rat sat on his shoulder, looking just as irritated with the proceedings as his master.

"Don't worry, Rufus." He said. "We'll be at the Bueno Nacho before you know it."

"What the hell do you see in that food?" came Shego's voice over the door. Ron rolled his eyes.

"Obviously, you have never tasted the eternal heaven that is the naco." He informed her.

"Right. And my arteries are jumping for joy because of it." Shego stepped out of the dressing room. "What do you think?"

Ron looked her over. The dress she had chosen was midlength, with wide, ribbon-straps that hung just off her shoulders. The material was a dark forest green, made of satin. He smiled.

"You're drop dead gorgeous, as if you didn't know." He said. "It's perfect. She'll love it."

Shego smiled slightly. "Thanks, nerd." She said, disappearing into the changing room. She returned a minute later wearing her street clothes, the desired dress draped over one arm. "come on, let's see if we can find a receptionist who isn't ogling her nails in this place."

"Good luck." Ron replied. Shego shrugged as they headed for the checkout. "Hey, it isn't every day a former super villan comes in looking for a dress."

"You've been living here for two years." Ron retorted. "As if they don't have your name, number, and preferred shade of green on file."

"Why Ronald, was that a hint of jealousy I heard in your tone?" Shego teased. Ron rolled his eyes. "DON'T call me Ronald. And in case you've forgotten, you DID steal my girlfriend on graduation day."

It had been a graduation to remember. Alien invasions, harnessing of the mystical monkey power…watching Kim Possible get frenched by her comet-empowered rival. Hey, at least he'd graduated on time.

"You took that better than Dr. D thought you would." Shego said with a smile. "He was positive you'd start crying."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. As if I didn't see that coming."

Shego made a questioning noise as she set the dress down on the countertop. Ron shrugged. "It's not fighting, it's foreplay." He said. "Obviously."

Shego snorted as she handed her credit card to the nervous receptionist. "Then you'd better watch yourself, Stoppable." She said with a grin. "Caus' last time I checked, Mr. Mystical Monkey Power, the only person who fights exclusively with you is six foot five, obsessed with primates, and definitively male."

Ron nearly choked. "I wasn't talking about ME!" he said. Shego smirked as she took her bag and led him out of the store. "Of course you weren't." she sighed. "So…Bueno Nacho?"

"Definitely Bueno Nacho. And for THAT little insinuation, you're buying."

"What, you're not into villains? Come on, we make better lovers."

"You haven't been a villain in two years." Ron retorted. "Hell, you and Drakken sang carols at the Children's Hospital last Christmas."

"I STILL don't see how you got out of that."

"Easy. I'm a Jew."

"That's no excuse."

"I'm not the one who can be denied bed-time with the 'girl who can do anything'."

"….Good point. I still think you should think about the whole foreplay thing. He's, like, really obsessed with you. I'd be worried. After all, you're legal now."

"SHEGO!!"

It wasn't often that Middleton were treated to a sight so odd as Shego running down the street laughing her head off, chased by a red-faced Ron Stoppable. Then again, as anyone could tell you, Middleton was not the most normal of towns.

_**A/N: Apologies to the fact that Shego isn't her usual catty self in this bit. I use the excuse that she's worried about her outfit and what Kimmie will think. Besides, after two years she would at least get USED to Ron. No Jews were insulted in the making of this chapter. I hope. No, I don't think Club Banana would carry satin dresses, but it was convenient. And oh, Kimmie, your name. The puns, the puns…it never ends. Sorry this seems so disjointed, but I'm setting the scene. Things should get more interesting later. -insert evil laughter here- **_


	3. Doctor's Orders

**Part 3: Doctor's Orders **

_**A/N alert: Out of character Drakken and Monty, for reasons explained in a note at the end.**_

It was rare that Drew Lipsky, alias Dr. Drakken, had someone visit who wasn't a member of the Possible family or Shego. Having not been an official evil scientist for the past three years, his contacts among the underworld had depleted (although he and Dementor were still in a race to see who completed a mega weather generator first) and outside the small circle he had inadvertently entered when his henchwoman fell in love with his rival, he was generally considered slightly nuts. So it was surprising to Drakken when one morning, as he was making coffee, his doorbell rang.

"Coming!" he called, more than a little confused. He didn't have to be at the labs with Dr. Possible until that afternoon, when the radion tests were finished. Shego would most certainly not be dropping by, since the night before she had had a date with Kim Possible. Of course, there was a possibility that it was the twins…

Drakken looked doubtfully at the colander he kept on the mantelpiece, something Ron had tactfully dubbed 'tweeb-proof' after it had been discovered that the Possible Twins' ill fated lasers often bounced off of aluminum objects (unless they happened to be Steve Barkin's car). Drakken had made a point of keepin several such things around. Just in case.

The doorbell rang again. No, this wasn't the twins. They usually rang three times in succession, quickly. This was a slow, almost polite ring, each tap measured out in a simple beat. If he had to peg anyone for a ring like that they certainly wouldn't be a Possible. No, there was only one other person that would be ringing his doorbell this early in the morning.

He opened the front door. "Hello, Montgomery." He said with a smile. "Just in time for coffee. You look like hell."

It was an entirely accurate statement. The British nobleman turned kung fu master looked like he hadn't slept in a week. He glared, but even that lacked its usual power.

"Thanks ever so much, Drew." He said sourly. "It's nice to see you too."

Drakken's eyesbrows rose. Something was wrong here. Something was DEFINITELY wrong. 'Nice to see you too'? Montgomery Fiske could come up with better comebacks than that in his sleep. Drakken moved away from the door. "Get in here and get some coffee." He said sternly. "You need it."

Monty didn't respond, but slid gracefully past the scientist, who (out of habit) scanned both hallways for possible pursuers before closing the door.

"I wasn't followed."

Trust a kung fu master. Drakken rolled his eyes and gestured. "Kitchen's this way. Unless you studied the layout of my apartment before coming in the front door."

Monty shook his head. "No, I'm afraid not. I was a bit…preoccupied on the way over."

"Hm. I'll bet." Drakken poured a cup- straight black- and slid it down the counter. Simian hands caught it easily. "I know it's not tea but it'll help." Monty nodded in thanks and took a sip.

This scene, while certainly not one many were privy to, was not as unusual as most would think. Both Drakken and Monkey Fist had worked together on many occasions, some not including the ever vigilant shego. In unappreciated genius they were peers, and while honor among thieves was sometimes questionable, honor among villains was still breathing, even those semi-retired villains.

Drakken sat down once more at his small table, watching his companion, who had seated himself on the counter.

"This is sudden." He said. "You usually call before appearing on my doorstep, Monty."

"I know. I'm afraid what I had to discuss couldn't wait."

"Ah. And is this the sort of thing where you attempt to explain the vile monstrosity called human emotion while I let you dance around like a moron for the next hour and a half?" Drakken asked.

Monty glared at him. Drakken nodded. "Alrighty then. Carry on." He leaned back in his chair.

Monty sighed. "It's difficult to explain." He started. "I was researching-"

"Looking obsessive-compulsively for something which will push you further towards spiritual enlightenment," Drakken added. Monty's eyes narrowed. "I was RESEARCHING," he continued, "When I discovered something about the Mystical Monkey Power."

"Let me guess." Drakken said, putting his coffee down. "It has something to do with monkeys."

"Do you want me to finish this or not?" Monty asked. It was at that point that Drakken noticed his friend's hands were holding tight enough to the counter to start cracking the marble. A normal person getting irritated was bad enough, but a kung fu master was another matter altogether. Drakken put his cup down.

"I have an idea." He said. "How about I tell you what I think this is about, and you can glare at me while you finish your coffee?"

When the anticipated glare came, Drakken nodded. "Alright then. You were obsessive compulsively looking for information on the Mystical Monkey Power AGAIN, although you still remain its foremost expert, to avoid some sort of social function that would require you interact with people of your socially ascribed status." Drakken took a sip of his coffee. "After all, you weren't at the Princess Diana charity ball."

"..You WATCHED the broadcast on that?" Monty asked. Drakken sighed sheepishly. "Was looking for people to rob when I remembered I don't do it anymore." He admitted meekly. "Old habits die hard."

Monty rose a brow. Drakken coughed and continued, "Anyway, while you were off doing your researching, you found something about the MMP- do you mind me calling it that?- that disturbed you. Something point blank, unavoidable, and probably including one former sidekick whose name still escapes me, whom you have had a horrible crush on for the past, oh, seven or so years." Drakken leaned back in his chair, self-satisfaction broadcasting from his every pore. "Did I get that right?"

Monty stared at him. The seconds ticked by.

"How..?" the Brit finally managed. Drakken rolled his eyes. "Monty." He said. "Monty, Monty, Monty. It was blatantly obvious to everyone BUT you and him. Didn't you wonder why Kim hated leaving you two alone? I was a bit worried for you there, for a while. I mean pedophilia is a much different game than super villainy-"

Drew immediately stopped talking when a gentle prick on the back of his neck told of the acupuncture needle pressed there. Trust Montgomery Fiske to walk into a friend's house armed and dangerous.

"I would NEVER stoop so low, Drew Lipsky," Monty's voice rasped in his ear, "And if you EVER insinuate such a thing again-"

Drakken waved a hand, both removing himself from the radius of Monty's needle and turning around to face the other man. "Did I SAY I thought you would do it?" Drakken asked, incredulous. "Really, Montgomery, you of all people. You'd rather throw yourself off a bridge."

"I'd survive the fall." Monty said taciturnly, returning the needle to its apparent holder under his arm and sitting down at the table. Drakken shook a finger in his face. "Ah, but the point is you WOULD jump. So. Tell me. What was it you found that made you show up at my door looking like someone just punched you in the face and told you the French overran Parliament?"

Monty blinked, then reached into his back pocket and removed a piece of paper, a printout from the website that had started all this trouble. He unfolded it and placed it in front of the other man. Drakken read it quickly, his brows rising.

"Hm." He said once the reading was done.

"Hm?" Monty asked. "That's all you have to say is 'hm'? Dear LORD, Drew, I'm in love with a college student! A college student who spent half his high school career preventing me from taking over the world! I can't just..I- all you have to say is HM?!"

Drakken leaned back. "It's not so surprising. I've got experience in these matters. Or did you forget who my former henchwoman is currently dating?"

Indeed, while Drakkan could attest to some moments of prowess, it was mostly with information gathered from Shego's near-breakdown that he could identify what was wrong with his friend. All he really had to do was change the face from Shego's to Monty's.

"You know he's legal now, right?" Drakken asked conversationally, taking another sip of his coffee and grinning at Monty's pained groan. The solid thud of a British forehead hitting the table in front of him made the grin grow a little bit bigger. It had been a long time since he'd had someone to pester.

"Why do I do this to myself?" Monty's voice was muffled by the hardwood. "WHY?"

"Because I'm the only semi-retired villain you know who's close enough to the Possible Family to estimate your exact chances of talking with Ron without getting my face blown off?" Drakken asked.

Monty raised his head. "When did you get smart?"

"When did you get predictable?" the blue man retorted. "and in answer to your unasked question, yes, you could probably talk with Ron, provided that no one's around and that you speak to Kim first."

"WHAT?"

Drakken rolled his eyes. "Dear GOD, man, you didn't think you'd be able to just walk in on a boy you've attempted to shuffle loose the mortal coil more than ten times, did you? No, certainly not. I prescribe two hours of Shego-free discussion with Miss Possible."

Monty glared at him. "I didn't need to do this. I could have just gone and talked with Stoppable myself."

"Except that you have the social abilities of- excuse me- a gorilla, and you knew that you wouldn't get within feet of him without speaking with Kimberly first." Drakken shrugged. "Which is why you did have to come talk to me."

Montgumery Fiske took a deep breath. "Are you sure I should talk to her first?" he asked wearily.

"Doctor's orders." Drakken replied.

"You aren't a doctor."

"And you aren't mentally unstable." Drakken replied. Monty opened his mouth, as though about to hurl a waspish reply, then melted in on himself.

"Positive?" he asked.

"It will be fine, Monty." Drakken replied. "She isn't all that for nothing, you know."

_**A/N: right, as for why they were so OOC- I have long held the idea that Drakken is brilliant. I have known brilliant people, and brilliant people are often lacking in things like common sense, hence his moments of severe idiocy. In Caithworld, Monty and Drakken are friends because of the simple lack of appreciation- Drakken IS a genius and Monty IS a martial arts master, but no one seems to notice. Also, I imagine Monty would be highly amused at some of Drakken's misadventures. Right, so there's my justification for that. Review, plz! **_


	4. She Can Do Anything

_**A**__**/N: I SWEAR I'M NOT DEAD. REALLY. Just work-swamped, which happens when you go to college. Don't ever ever do it. . With great apologies for the delay, I present to you… **_

**Part Four: She Can Do Anything **

Kim Possible was officially termed "The girl who could do anything."

In some ways, that title was well deserved. It was true that she could simultaneously paint her nails and fire a hair-dryer grappling gun. It was true that she could solve most physics problems in her head while driving at high speeds after super villains. It was true that she could match any pair of shoes in club Banana with any dress in under ten seconds. As for her bedroom ha bits, well- Shego could give a testimonial, but no one wanted to ask.

So, as the Girl Who Could Do Anything, Kim supposed that she shouldn't have been surprised when she walked into the small sitting room of the apartment she shared with her girlfriend to see a familiar arch-foe sitting on the couch.

"Hey, Monkey-man." She greeted. "How long did it take you to crack the lock?"

"It didn't." Montgomery Fiske informed her, "Since Shego left her spare keys at the good Doctor's."

"Huh." Kim sat down on an overstuffed chair just opposite where Montgomery was sitting. "What's up?" she asked. In spite of himself, Monty rose a brow. "Shouldn't we be fighting right about now?" he asked. "It is our modus operandi, after all."

Kim raised her fingers. "No monkey ninjas." One finger was pushed down. "you're not wearing gi." Another. "I haven't heard of any museum heists." One more. "And you didn't break in." slam dunk. "Therefore, I can safely assume that whatever you wanted to discuss with me has nothing to do with our shared 'modus operandi'." She grinned. "Maybe you just wanted to say hi."

Monty was well- aware that he was staring, but he couldn't help himself. "Lord, how times change.." he muttered. Kim shrugged. "It happens." She said. "So, unless you have some new super-secret monkey oriented plan I know nothing about, what do you want?"

"To talk, Kimberly Anne." Monty said. "Just..to talk."

Kim looked him up and down. "It's about Ron, isn't it?"

Kimberly Anne Possible had always had a high personal opinion of martial artists, and she had to admit that she had never seen one fall off a couch as though smacked in the face after hearing someone's name. Then again, she reminded herself, Monkey Fist wasn't the most normal of martial artists. She stood up, looking down at the spluttering Monkey Master on the floor. "Want something to drink?" she offered. "I've got orange juice, milk, water, that weird green stuff Shego likes…" Monty just stared at her. "Right. Water it is."

Three minutes later she returned to the sitting room with two glasses. Monty was sitting on the couch as though nothing had happened, but the dark way he looked at Kim said otherwise. "Do you ALL know what's going on except me?" he demanded harshly. Kim shook her head as she sat down. "No." she said. "Not Shego, anyway. Drakken and I talked about it a while back."

"TALKED about it?!" Monty asked, his voice barely a screech of alarm. Kim nodded, swiping her hair out from behind her as she sat down. "He didn't tell you? You came up." She said. "Drakken asked if I'd heard from you and I said no and off we went."

"Trust that blue buffoon to twitter like a hen." He grumbled. He had hoped that what Drakken had said about Kim knowing about his…indiscretion was a lie. Apparently not.

"Well," Kim said, "What do you plan on doing about it?"

Monty blinked. "What do I plan on ..doing..?"

Kim nodded. "Duh." She said. "I mean come on, since when have you not had a plan- or several- in case things didn't go your way?"

"Since this wasn't a PART of the plan." Monty snapped back. Kim grinned. "Touche. But it's the plan now or you wouldn't be here. So what is it you need?"

"Your permission to approach Ronald without being accosted by twins, angry girlfriends, or misguided underage technogeeks who can't understand the concept of sunlight." Monty ground out. Kim grinned.

"You have no idea how to approach him, do you?"

Kimberly Anne had been baiting enemies for years. It was practically a staple between she and Shego, back in the day, and sometimes it still happened. She was glad to know she hadn't lost the talent when Montgomery Fiske started turning crimson.

"I. Hate. You." The Monkey Master snarled. Kim smiled. "I know." She said sweetly. "but you're going to have to get over that if you ever want to date my best friend. Who, by the way, is currently working on his spectacular pecs down at the gym."

Monty's eyes narrowed. "Low blow."

"I can go even lower." Kim purred back. "But first you have to admit why you're really here."

"Kimberly, you know why I'm here."

"Gotta hear you say it, Monkey Man. Or else? No go."

Montgomery Fiske stared at the girl who was so unlike the child he'd faced. "When did you get sneaky?" he asked suspiciously. Kim shrugged. "Blame it on Shego. Now, speak up, Lord Fiske."

Montgomery bit his lip. He hemmed and hawwed and twiddled his fingers. As each moment ticked by, Kim's grin grew wider, until, finally...

"I'M IN LOVE WITH THE BUFFOON, ALRIGHT?!"

"Alright." Kim said with a nod.

Monty blinked. "Huh?" he asked. Kim stood up, looking the monkey master up and down.

"Man, Drakken was right." She said. "You ARE a mess." She tapped a thin finger against her lower lip. "Hm. So you don't have a plan in mind at all."

"No."

"You didn't think about any of this beforehand?"

"No."

"you didn't consider every angle or create margin for error?"

"NO."

"Sounds like love to me." Kim placed her hands on her hips. "I'm not gonna deny the chemistry. But Ron is...well.."

"Thick as a brick?" Monty intoned dryly. Kim sighed. "Yeah, a little bit. And he's not exactly too keen on the idea of monkeys- no offense.."

"Well, I have almost killed him twenty five times." Monty pointed out.

"You've been keeping TRACK?"

"You never know when numbers will become important, Miss Possible."

"..You're out of your mind."

"So they tell me."

"Alright, first we need to set up a plan.." Kim blinked at Monty. "What's with the look?"

"You're helping me."

"Yeah? So?"

"..._why?" _

Kim rolled her eyes. "Look, if I'm not the most obvious sucker for a redemption story you've ever seen, then you haven't been paying attention. I'm not saying I trust you and I don't know what's going to happen, but the fact that you hauled ass to get here and then decided to talk to me before doing anything else tells me a lot. And it tells me that you're actually caring about something that isn't related to monkeys in any real way, shape, or form."

Monty opened his mouth to explain about his research, but decided against it.

"Well," he said, attempting to regain some general control of himself and failing miserably, "what do you suggest we do?"

Kim smiled. "Leave it to me. After all, I can do anything."

**_A/N: For those of you who were expecting a more electrifying conversation, I'm sorry. In the context of this universe, this conversation makes more sense- Kim's mellowed out a lot (come on, she's sleeping with Shego) and she'd be highly amused at a grown man at a loss over what to do. I know the past few chapters have been very dialogue heavy- stick with me, shit will start happening soon. Feel free to review, yo._**


	5. Server Error

**Part 5: Server Error **

_**A/N: This one's shorter than the last ones. Probably because it's been glaring at me for six months. **_

Ron Stoppable was not stupid.

Naive at times, yes. An idiot savant? Certainly. Oblivious? Maybe. But one didn't survive being the sidekick of Kimberly Ann Possible without learning a few things along the way. Which was why, when Ron walked into the Bueno Nacho that afternoon to see Wade, he immediately felt his hackles rise three inches. Rufus pittered in his pocket as he slid into his customary booth.

"What is it?" he demanded.

"What's what?" Wade asked. The kid genius was out and about more often nowadays, due mostly to his mother and a heavy-duty broom that Mr, Possible had kindly made Wade-proof, something that had taken four prototypes over three years.

"You're in my booth, in my Bueno Nacho, and you're not holding a kimmunicator or accompanied by some weapons bearing robot. Therefore, something is up." Secure in his logic, the blonde wonder sat down and released Rufus, who nodded his head in agreement and chittered.

Wade sighed. "It used to be so easy." He grumbled to himself, reaching into a bag next to him. He pulled out a wafer thin laptop and popped up the screen. "I thought I'd talk to you first because you seem like the person to go to," he said, typing in code. "I mean, it didn't make any sense to- ah," he said, with an air of one who had just finished a gourmet meal, "here it is."

He turned the computer so that Rufus and Ron could both see it. The picture was grainy, a security camera outside of an apartment building Ron immediately recognized; it was Shego and Kim's place. He blinked at it.

"Wade, why are you spying on Kim and Shego?" he asked. "If you wanted some girl-on-girl I'm sure there's a magazine somewhere, not to mention onl-MONKEY!!"

Wade decided to let that comment about porn slip. He was too busy laughing to care.

Rufus squeaked and jumped onto the keyboard. "Monkeyfist!" he chattered, pointing one claw at the screen, where could plainly be seen one Kimberly Ann Possible escorting a tall British lug of their mutual acquaintance out the door.

Ron blinked.

He blinked again.

"Wade?"

The genius had somehow managed to stop laughing. "Yeah?" he asked.

"This isn't stock, is it? PLEASE tell me it's stock, Brainy." The conversation he had had with Shego not two days prior was sticking out like a sore thumb. Wade shook his head, unaware of this inner torment. "Sorry, Ron." He said. "But this is accurate. I got it from the building's landlord myself."

Ron bit his lip. "And I ask again. WHY were you taking security footage from the go-possible apartment?"

"Well.." Wade looked around. The Bueno Nacho was mostly empty, save for a few customers who looked more interested in their cheesy grease than in the two young men in the corner booth. Rufus tapped his little foot expectantly and, with no answer forthcoming, leapt onto Wade's shoulder and tugged his ear. The black boy shook his head and then gave Rufus what he hoped was a reassuring smile as he reached once more into his bag, pulling up a small pile of documents.

"These are the hits from Kim's home computer," he said, "and before you ask YES I asked her if I could keep tabs. Shego's account is locked, for obvious reasons." The papers appeared to be coded lists, with parts highlighted in orange marker. "These are what she was looking up yesterday afternoon, about two hours before that footage," here he motioned to the frozen image of Monkey Fist on the screen, "was taken."

He pushed the list forward.

"Take a look."

If there was one thing Ron had come to long ago understand, it was that long and complicated computer lists were never, ever good things. He took a deep breath, prepared for the worst, and leaned forward.

He blinked.

He blinked again.

"Why is my name on here like a hundred times?"

Wade steepled thick fingers. "I can hazard a guess, but Ron, it's not definite. It could just be a server error, or a glitch in the system."

"Wade." Ron leveled blunt eyes at the other boy. "Why is my name on here?"

Wade Load took a deep breath. "Because it's what was being searched while Monkey First was with Kim." He said evenly.

Silence.

Rufus chattered worriedly, pulling one of the papers off the stack so that he could look at it himself, and squeaked with horror upon realizing that not only was Ron's name on the list, so was his. He dove for Ron's pocket where he stayed, trembling. Ron was staring at the table.

"Ron?" Nada. "Ron??" Zilch. "RON!"

Ron Stoppable rose his head, looking entirely too calm for Wade's liking. "So he used Kim's computer to look up stats on me."

"Yes?" Wade said, adding the question mark to remind his friend that nothing was definite.

"And Kim was with him the whole time."

"Yes."

"..what have I done to ruin our friendship, Wade? Was it something I said? Did I ever insinuate that I was thinking of leaving, or did I do something so completely retarded that no normal man can write it down for fear of his pencil bursting into flame?"

Wade was shaking his head. "Ron, I don't think that's it, I just-"

"She's BETRAYED me, Wade! I'm DOOMED! DOOMED TO A PRIMATE-BASED DEATH!!"

Wade grabbed a flailing arm. "Kim would NOT betray you!" he growled. "And Monkey Fist hasn't been an active villain in over two years! All his outstanding warrants are expired! He's not wanted for anything!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Ron asked, pointing a trembling hand at the list. "She let him into her place of sanctuary and handed me to him on a silver platter!!"

Wade rolled his eyes. "Ron, I really think you're being just a tad over dramatic. So they searched for something, so what? Do you really think Kim would give Monkey Fist anything to use against you? I mean really. For shame."

Ron stared at the techno-genius. "You don't know that nut job like I do, Wade." He said solemnly. "He'd be willing to get all buddy-buddy with Kim if it meant taking the mystical monkey power."

"And you assume Kim would fall for it?"

Ron rose a brow. "Wade. Seriously. Remind me again- WHO is our best gal-pal sleeping with?"

Wade rolled his eyes. "Point taken. Look, I don't think there's ANYTHING going on here. Maybe it was a mistake to tell you-"

"On the contrary," Ron replied, "if you hadn't, I might have been forced to go monkey kung fu on your ass."

"Monkey kung fu!" Rufus repeated with glee. Wade sighed. "My POINT is, you should go talk to Kim. If you're that worried about it, then she'll level with you. You know she will."

Ron opened his mouth, fully prepared to defend his paranoia- then deflated. "You're right." He sighed. "Kim's done some crummy things but she wouldn't ever turn me over to a guy who invites orangutans to dinner."

Of course, Ron Stoppable was completely wrong. Then again, he'd forgotten one crucial factor- that his best friend was the Girl who could do Anything. Including set her best bud up with a super villain. Really, what could go wrong?

_**A/N: Six months. Yep, time for an update. I'm sorry I left you guys hanging so long, I'm a bad fic writer..(looks at the huge amount of Naruto ficcage on her page) ahahhaa... --; Anyway, if I have it figured right, The Cosmic Sitch SHOULD wrap up at ten chapters. Then again don't hold me to it, we all know how good I am with commitment. Read and review!**_


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